Build a Home Without Destroying Your Marriage
Kevin J. Daum

This article was originally published in a 2008 edition of Log Homes Illustrated magazine.

We have all heard the story about the young happy couple embarking on their project of building their dream log home.  Everything starts out fun and exciting.  Soon problems start to occur as they normally do in any large scale project and the arguments begin.  Blame is thrown from one side to the other.  “He said this…she said that…I thought you told the contractor…”  Before you know it the marriage counselor is involved and things are going downhill in a hurry.  It’s all fun and games until someone calls a divorce lawyer! 

It’s bad enough that the national average for divorce today is pushing 50 percent.  Why would anyone want to aggravate a happy marriage or relationship by starting a project where emotions are charged, you have little experience, little knowledge of the process and the odds of spending more then expected are better than 10 to 1?  Because this is the dream that both of you have talked about since you first got together, owning that rustic, romantic getaway home that reflects all of your happiness together and your specific lifestyle.

Well if you want to beat the odds and survive this project, first thing you have to do is accept the realities of a big custom home project.  For those of you who say you could never work with your spouse on a daily basis, that is exactly what you are about to do.  Building a custom home is like running a small company.  It requires a similar amount of time, energy and money as a new startup company.  With both of you going into this project accepting the responsibilities of your new relationship as business partners you stand a far better chance of being able to enjoy your finished log home dream together when it is finished.

Speaking as someone who has been happily married for 19 years to a saintly woman I feel somewhat qualified to write about this subject.  The fact that this woman Deanna has been my business partner and has worked daily with me for 16 of those years makes me a bona fide expert, or at least sufficiently qualified to reiterate her expertise since she is the true expert in preserving marital harmony.  As she says about life working and living with an author/entrepreneur, “It’s not always easy, but it’s never boring!”  Together in our business we have helped hundreds of couples manage through their custom home process and I am happy to say that in ten years only one couple ever divorced as a result of the construction project.

So based upon our experience, without further ado, here are the keys to marital preservation on the path to log home heaven.   Ladies and gentlemen I now present the 5 “C”s to remember for preventing a custom log home project from destroying your marital bliss.
 
Cash – True, money isn’t everything but it sure makes a big difference when managing a big expensive project.  This project will require lots of money and let’s be clear, equity in your existing home or lot is not money, its equity.  You will need cold hard liquid cash for much of this project including down payments, deposits, reserves to satisfy the bank, payments for subs while waiting for bank reimbursement and more.   Many people believe they are being conservative by pumping money early on into their project.  This is a bad idea and will likely make you run out of money way too soon. 

This is when the marital stress builds up and the arguments start.  There is no stress problem that can’t be solved by throwing more money at it if you have it. Hoard your cash and borrow as much as the bank allows so you can stay liquid during the project.   You can assess the final loan amount when the house is finished and you know the final cost.  Statistically lack of money is the #1 cause of divorce but in all my projects, no client ever got mad at me for making sure they had too much cash.
 
Communication –   A typical custom home project will have more than 50 people involved in some capacity.  Hundreds of tasks will need to be coordinated and hundreds of decisions will need to be made.  You may believe that you and your spouse after many years together think as one like mind.  If you opt for minimal communication you will certainly figure out whether you have been kidding yourselves all of these years.  All of the minions working on your project will constantly need instruction and guidance so they can complete their work in a timely and craftsman like manner.  Even if you use a general contractor there will still be a fair amount of decision making by you and your spouse. 

Imagine the confusion when your spouse says she wants rounded wall corners and you insist on sharp angles.   Every time you and your spouse tell workers different things then confusion is inevitable resulting in delays and problems.  Err on the side of over-communication.  Plan to talk through the project with your spouse once a day over coffee.  Each morning you can list out the decisions for the day and determine which of you will tell the contractor, architect and subs.  By delivering a unified message to your building team you will avoid the frustration between yourselves.
 
Clarity – So now that you two are talking regularly, it would be great if you had some idea of what you should be talking about.  There are thousands of details and terms related to construction that are likely going to be new to you.  The human mind is a wonderful thing.  It has the ability to fill in gaps of knowledge with assumptions whether or not they are factual.  Guaranteed that you and your spouse will both have this happen and automatically assume that you are thinking things work the same way.  

The simple way to gain clarity between you two is to gather as much information as you can and SHARE it!  Both of you should read up on the custom home process and share what you have learned.  This will make for great discussion at dinner by candlelight and will alleviate frustrating confusion allowing for better chances at moving to the bedroom.

Composure – As I have said many times, this is a big project with lots of moving parts. Trials and tribulations are to be expected.  If you or your spouse is prone to being hyper-reactive every time the slightest little thing goes haywire you are in for a rough ride indeed.  I suggest saving the histrionics for yelling at your kids.  Let cooler heads prevail and focus on problem solving.  Count to 10 or get a prescription from your doctor for tranquilizers if need be but patience and calm are key to a successful project.  Giving yourself a cushion of time and money will help a lot in the composure department but recognizing that stuff happens beyond your control is the surest way to keep the anger from being aimed at the one you love.  Having a sense of humor helps a lot as well.  Walking up to the property in a wetsuit with a hammer is sure to relax all parties with a chuckle after 3 straight months of rain delay.
 
Commitment – Ah yes, the biggest “C” of them all.  Commitment to your log home is automatic from the moment you break ground and dollar one of the bank’s money.  You have no choice but to finish the house no matter what the time or cost.  Once you start the build there is no going back but no house is worth losing the one you love.

Around my house commitment is defined as “The willingness to go out of your comfort zone.”  Don’t be afraid to be the first one to step up and apologize if it will bring everyone back to composure.  OK, you might be right but face it you probably did something at some point worth apologizing for anyway.  This way you’ll get the credit for being a good person and get things back onto a happy path.  It’s not always going to be easy or pleasant but its best to honor the commitment of “for better or for worse” and remember you started this project to improve your lives.  With faith and resolve you will get through the tough times and ultimately enjoy the hard earned joys of your beautiful log home.

About the Author...
Kevin Daum is the Founder and CEO of Stratford Financial Services, a Real Estate finance and education company, founded in 1989. Stratford specializes in Purchase loans, Refinance loans and Custom Home Construction finance and has successfully financed thousands of clients. He is the author of "Building Your Own Home for Dummies" (Wiley), as well as "What the Banks Won’t Tell You." Mr. Daum was an Underwriter for Plaza Savings and Loan and Key Bank of New York. He is an INC 500 CEO and has been listed as one the 40 Most Influential People Under 40 in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is the Global Chair for the Edison Innovation Program with the Young Entrepreneurs' Organization (YEO) and is a founding Board member of the Bay Area Chapter of YEO.

Mr. Daum is a frequent contributor to numerous business publications on the subjects of Real Estate and Small Business leadership and speaks regularly on both subjects. He can be contacted at kevin@stratfordfinancial.com.